7 Valentine’s Day Gifts That Prove You Suck
Okay, I’ll bite. Romance is cool. I kinda like it, except when people go overboard. Which happens on every.single.Valentine’s Day.
Every year I almost decide to shut down my social media pages and not leave my apartment for the day because that would be the only way to not end up in jail for murder. Somehow though, I manage.
It’s like being an addict, only worse. Instead of dreaming for a drink or a line of coke, I dream about strangling people and feeding them their stuffed teddy bears.
Hm, I think I’m sending the wrong idea here. I always celebrate Valentine’s Day – I have a cool guy who appreciates me enough to give me flowers and cook me dinner/take me out. I don’t, however, have a crushing desire spreading to every bone of my body, to share every detail of my Valentine’s Day on Facebook, complimented with pictures and videos. I also don’t enjoy participating too much in the ridiculous corporate consumerism that is Valentine’s day by buying everything I deem remotely romantic.
Custom-made toilet paper? Sure, why not. Girls, you’re lucky you still have boyfriends, because if it was me I’d definitely dump your ass – if not for being lame, at least for Snapchat-ing your lingerie pictures to all your friends and stalkers. Anyway, now that we’ve established it’s the cliche of the holiday that I hate, let’s continue with my rant. Have a glass of wine – you’ll need it.
The Valentine Day’s Gifts That Can Put You In The Hospital. By Your Girlfriend.
Guys, listen up. If you had the clever thought of presenting your women with any of these gifts, you’re officially my idol. Which, let’s face it – means you’ve hit a new low, even for you. Let’s take a look at 7 of the worst gifts in the history of gift-giving on Valentine’s Day.
- A free-hug voucher
I’m not really sure how to approach this. Let me start by asking whether you have any history of mental illness?
Recommended weapon for your girlfriend to use on you if presented with this gift: Rape Sloth
2. A gym subscription
Sure, she’s been on the chubby side lately. You’d be too if you were dating yourself! Isn’t there a nicer, less-dense way of telling her this? Like Photoshopping her next to a whale?
Recommended weapon for your girlfriend to use on you if presented with this gift: A dumbbell.
3. A kitchen appliance
So you want to remind her that she needs to cook, clean, wash the dishes, water the plants and kick your ass. If that’s your reasoning, I’d say you’ve hit the jackpot.
Recommended weapon for your girlfriend to use on you if presented with this gift: A spoon.
I can’t even. Throw some food her way and beg for forgiveness.
Recommended weapon for your girlfriend to use on you if presented with this gift: Poison apple.
5. Lingerie that doesn’t fit
Okay, so let me get this straight: you went out and bought your girlfriend lingerie without knowing her size? Let me put it this way. Too big means she should start saving for fake boobs. Too small means… well, refer back to the gym membership gift. Both mean you’re a horrendous human being that lacks the mental capacity to function properly.
Recommended weapon for your girlfriend to use on you if presented with this gift: High-heeled shoe.
6. Diamond ring keychain
Damn, you’re stoopid. I do admire your braveness though. Call me if you’re still alive!
Recommended weapon for your girlfriend to use on you if presented with this gift: A white cat. Just because they’re creepy.
We all want to have sex on Valentine’s Day. Scratch that – we all want to have sex, period. Unless you’re having sex while you should be in school. Go back to school! But really, do you think this subtle gift will make the evening go as planned? You imbecile.
Recommended weapon for your girlfriend to use on you if presented with this gift: Anything she can find.
It’s the 15th of February, so if you’re reading this, you survived – you weren’t killed by your girlfriend/wife/fiancee/significant other/whatever else I should say to be open-minded. Congrats! Let this serve as a reminder to not make your girlfriend regret the day she looked your way and didn’t say “ew”. If you do… rape sloth will be coming for you.